Johnny the Cheetos Pirate: Food Fiction

Food Fiction Addiction

Johnny was a boy. Johnny was a boy with no legs. Johnny also didn’t have any arms. He was the armless and legless kid named Johnny.

One day when Johnny was rolling down the street, he ran into a man. Or he rolled into a man, I guess.

“Hello!” The man said. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Johnny couldn’t hear him, though. His mother had put his headphones into his ears when he left the house and he couldn’t take them out himself. He gestured towards the earphones with his tongue as the man kept on talking. The man reached down and pulled Johnny’s earphones out.

“Sorry about that, Sport!” He said. “My name is Gratski Ricardzinzkileroyy. But you can call me Gratski Ricardzinzkileroyy. I am a surgeon, specializing in arm and leg replacement surgery! You’ve received a scholarship to receive free arms and legs!”

Johnny thought about this for a little bit. He then shook his head.

“Sorry, I don’t think mom would—“

“Ah, you don’t know what you’re talking about!” Gratski Ricardzinzkileroyy said as he lifted Johnny into a windowless van.

Johnny had a bag thrust over his head, and the world went dark.

He had no idea how long he was in the van, but maybe 4 or 5 hours into the trip, a burger was thrown into the bag. He ate every single bite before finally falling asleep. He dreamed of the ocean. He dreamed of falling out of a ship and bobbing in the water like a buoy until he sank under the water and woke up.

He was on an operating table. He felt strange. He looked down and saw arms and legs. Attached to his body. He felt powerful.

The next ten minutes were a blur.

He got up and broke the door off its hinges. He walked out of some strange complex. He didn’t know where he was but he started running. He started running and running.

He ran until he arrived at a city. A large city. He walked to the nearest convenience store and tried opening the door.

When he opened the door, a tidal wave of Cheetos poured out of the convenience store. Within minutes the street had flooded. Cheetos were pouring out of the store like water out a firehose.

Johnny started to run.

He ran and ran some more. The Cheetos followed him the whole time.

That was 10 years ago. Now the earth was covered in Cheetos. The last signs of an extinct society faded into oblivion as the Cheetos flowed and flowed.

Johnny was captain of a vessel. Raiding and pillaging the last settlements. Sailing the Cheetos sea.

His hands stained orange, teeth stained orange. Food wasn’t a problem. But water was. The only source of water they had were the soggy Cheetos at the bottom of the Cheetos ocean that had absorbed all the water of the oceans.

They didn’t like it though because they were gross and nasty. Repulsive. Horrendous.

And that is the tale of Johnny the Cheetos Pirate.

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